Am I a runner?

In 1986, two weeks after graduating high school, I left my hometown. At that point, I lived in West Virginia longer than any other place in my first 18 years of life. All I knew was I had to leave. I wanted to escape the life that I thought would be laid out for me if I stayed. I went to a small college in northern Wisconsin, sight unseen. It didn’t matter where I went just as long it was a long ways from my home. The school also offered me a free ride so I couldn’t pass that up.

I grew up a military brat. My father was a career US Marine. We lived everywhere and not for long at any location. When my father retired he moved his family to rural West Virginia. In the mid seventies in rural West Virginia, rural was a very accurate term, unlike it is today. I never knew why my father wanted to live there. He was from Kentucky, and a town boy….he had no idea how to live in that environment. Shortly after, my father left his family and I never saw him again…..he ran.

My freshman year in college my younger sister informed me that my mother had disappeared. Apparently, she packed up some clothes and took off, leaving my sister alone, she was a junior in high school. A few days later my mother called and informed us she moved to Charlotte, NC. I believe she said that her life would be better there….it never was….she ran.

A dear friend of mine, that I was once romantically involved with, has always told me I am a runner. We see each other on occasion because she has to drive by my shop on her way to work. She’ll stop to say hi, but it is usually after she has read one of my post here on Substack. After my last article I received a visit from her….she was concerned. It was great to talk to someone face to face and she is always a great listener. She can be opinionated but she always presents her arguments with class. That day she told me again that I am a runner. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

For the first time in my life I am beginning to believe that my friend knows more than I do about who I am. I suppose the reason I never wanted to admit that I run is because when my first child was born, I became grounded. There was never a time that the thought of leaving crossed my mind. In fact, every decision I made was based around staying and being there for my children. I suppose if I am indeed a runner and the time in my life to not be one was for my children, is a good thing.

I moved and changed jobs many times as a younger man. Back then I was always telling myself that I was looking for something, someone, somewhere, there were a lot of “somes” and I didn’t really find any of them. Eventually, I got married, had children, and settled down. During the time I was raising my kids, I never felt trapped, but as they started getting older I noticed those feelings returning again. I have lived here in West Virginia for 16 years now….the longest I have ever lived in the same place. Two of my children live in different states and my youngest just graduated high school. In my mind, they are now grown men, but I realize that I will always have responsibilities that involve them. I will, purposely, however, reduce the amount that I do for them. It’s the only way I know to help them become men.

I have written a few articles about how I feel a bit lost in my life right now. I would say that is an accurate statement. Having those feelings, I have the urge to run again. I honestly don’t think that it’s a bad thing to move, or change jobs, or question what you are doing with your life, and decide you need to make a change. When I was younger, that is exactly what I did….if I got bored, I on moved on to the next chapter of my life. The problem, however, is that none of those changes ever brought me to a better understanding of who I was, or am.

Since my friend called me out on being a runner, I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I’ve come to the conclusion that moving or changing jogs isn’t a problem in itself but, the real issue is WHY do I feel the need to make those changes? I took the time to look back at all the times I have made a drastic change in my life to see if there is a common thread, and indeed there is. Every single time I made a major change (except for my divorce) I was having a difficult time in life. It may have been financial, a relationship, something stupid I did (DUI), or just a lack of direction. So, I find myself now having the same urge to run to something new and I am using the excuse that my kids are grown or that I hate living where I live, or I’m unhappy with my work, or that I think there should be something more to life than what I am experiencing.

I’ve spoken to many of you and you have given me good advice. If I had to boil it down I think most believe I need to live my life for myself more. I don’t disagree. What I am afraid of is making the exact same mistakes that I have always made and run to something that isn’t any better than what I already have. I have been asking myself what it is that I really want. Answering that question isn’t as easy as you might think if you are completely honest with yourself. I think I do know what I want and I believe it is something I can do without running. It’s frightening to decide to go against your instincts, but I am beginning to learn that my instincts may simply be a reflection of what I saw as a child. Perhaps being a mature adult looks like creating the lifestyle you want no matter where you are or what you do.

I talk about my work so much lately, but it is usually in a negative sense. I think I am pretty good at what I do, but I have never created my job the way that would fulfill me. I live in a place that I don’t like but most of the time I am in my shop or in my house…..I would likely do the same no matter where I lived. I’m not in a relationship, but who’s to say I would elsewhere? These are all things I have suggested that I am unhappy with and in my mind they wouldn’t exist if I made another major change in my life.

I do know what would make me happy and more importantly, I know that I may not achieve all those things. I believe that if I focused more on what I have, rather than what I don’t have life would be much simpler. There are always factors that can throw a wrench in the gears, like what we may experience in this country in the future, but that is just another thing I can’t run away from. There are two things that I am going to focus on to guide me in the right direction. Number one: I’m going to develop my business to allow me to become more creative even if that doesn’t help me financially, and number two: I’m going to finish my own home. I have spent most of my life making other people’s homes beautiful while I live in a work zone. I think creating a sanctuary for myself will bring me a sense of peace.

I want to thank all of you for being here with me. I realize that writing the things I do and sending it keeps me honest. What I mean by that is, knowing that some of you will read this, I want to keep my promise to myself as well as my promise to you. I know that you don’t have any skin in the game of my life, but when I share with you, I take it personally. You may not realize that some people in this world don’t have a community or a place they truly call home. You are my community.